Laura's Handy Guide to English

So, I've come to realize that I apparently have an odd way of speaking. I use words and phrases that many people have never heard of and thus don't understand. So, for lack of having anything better to post about-- er, I mean, because I am so considerate-- I decided to try and compile a small list.

• "I'm sweating like a whore in church."

This one should be fairly obvious, and I've heard other people use this phrase before. Either I'm hot, nervous, or otherwise unusually sweaty.

• "I'm starvin' balls."

This delightful phrase was born at the Steak n Shake where I used to work. First you could eat. Then you're hungry. Then you're starving. Then you're starvin' balls. This is an incessantly powerful hunger that needs to be remedied as soon as possible.

• "I smell what you're steppin' in."

This means, "I understand," or, "I get your meaning."

• Prostitot

This is another one I've heard other people use before. This word suggests that the person in question is a youth with shamefully low morals for their age. It can also denote a child who is wearing clothing that is far too revealing to be appropriate.

• Guyliner

'Guyliner' is what I like to call it when men wear eyeliner like women. "Wow, look at his guyliner." Drag queens do not use guyliner, however. They use eyeliner like the rest of us girls.

• Titscrepancy

This one is one of my favourites. Have you ever seen a woman walking around in a shirt that is sewn or draped to provide an interesting detail on the front, only to realize that wearing this shirt has caused her breasts to appear misaligned, whether vertically or horizontally? That's a titscrepancy. Think 'discrepancy' but with breasts involved.

• "What does it do?"

This phrase seems to be normal. You're probably thinking, "Laura, why would you put this perfectly average question here?" It's simple. When I ask "What's it do?" I am not asking about the function of something. I know what a pan, for example, does. When I ask "What's it do?" what I really mean is "Where am I supposed to put this thing?" Why don't I just ask that? If I knew, I think I'd be less certifiably crazy.

• Rageface

"Man, I ragefaced hard the other night." That is to say, something happened to make me extreeeemely angry, so my expression changed to suit the situation. Thus, rageface.

Now, I use far more unusual words and phrases than this, but I can't think of anymore at the moment because my roommate has been hogging the bathroom for about half and hour and I have to urinate. This is about to make me rageface.