For Lack of Anything Better to Blog About...

I asked my World of Warcraft guild what I should blog about. The suggestions were interesting, to say the least.

"Spiders!"

"Reasons why you don't wanna be hit in the face!"
"Brezka's (one of my guildmates) boobs!"
I hate spiders and I really don't wanna discuss boobs.

So I'm gonna talk about why I don't want to be hit in the face.

Reason Number One

Being hit in the face hurts.

Clearly, as you can see through this illustration of me desperately trying to fend off a cinderblock flung at me by an unseen hand, I do not wish to be hit in the face. I have even gone so far as to turn my head the other way, risking delicate brain matter so as to not take the hit to the face.

Reason Number Two

Facial Blemishes

This wouldn't be attractive. Clearly.

Reason Number Three

...I dunno. This topic is kind of obvious, isn't it? I feel like I've already exhausted it.

PS.

Mulgrum's Man-Boobs.

More OkCupid Madness

So some of you might remember the old post I made about some of the messages I receive on OkCupid, and how some of them sincerely make me wish I was more socially-adept and therefore able to meet people in real life.

So once again, here is another list that makes me want to rip out my eyelashes. These are in no particular order of offensiveness, because it's hard to rank that sort of thing.

• Pointless messages that make me angry.

hey wats up?

You're illiterate, lazy, and you can't even think of a good way to approach someone?

• Compliments that are nice, but aren't exactly helpful.

I like your hair.

Me too, guy. I think my hair is pretty fierce.

• Obsessively-pushy people who message me every single time I log on.

How are you? What are you up to tonight? What is there to do here in ?

Next Day...

hi how are you?

Later...

hi how are you?

Two Days After That...

you're very pretty, id like to get to know you.

Slow down there. Slow down. You're doing too much. And frankly, you're creeping me out with those stalker tendencies.

• Obsessive Messaging Coming from the 50+ Bracket.

your eyes are fantastic. is there any hair color u cant pull off? lol

Well, that's... nice. I mean, I appreciate the compliment, but I stated in my profile my ideal dating criteria. I left the range of men I'm interested in dating in a nice, open 20-30 bracket. 50 is kind of a stretch that I'm not okay with making. But sometimes, they aren't to be deterred.

gamer ? check. bathes daily? double check. gentleman? check. looking for a mature woman? check. romantic? check. looking for a woman with a figure? check. and u listen to nightwish and watch akira? you already sound fantastic!!!! only one problem...................im like a hundred miles from ya..............too far? well whether it is or isnt u should message me back if you find this message hilarious or entertaining. well until then i bid u goodnight madam.

Yes, but I'm not looking for someone old enough to be my father, sir. And no offense, but what is a 54-year-old doing watching Akira and listening to Nightwish? And why the HELL can't you type?

Wat is your favorite gaming series? if u have a favorite?

Sir, I've stopped responding to your messages for a reason.

• Remember the 'sherif from egypt' from my last post about OkCupid?

u r amazing really,,i will be happy if know u,,

hope that u have time to talk to me... first thing u look soo attractive and beauty really

sure alot of men send to u as u look attractive.. but the important u will reply to whom???

thats the matter,,,,,,

all i can say that iam really different than most men here,,, u cant trust on that sure,, by one way ,, that we talk for few minutes to feel and see by urself

trust on my words,, i like doing more than words ,,soo lets take chance to start,, also i forget u that i like tall woman ,,


about me,, iam dr islam,, specialized in opthalmolgy,, singel... honest caring man.. love travelling,, going out,, love fun and special things

by the way i will be in missouri for work so i think its good chance for

I swear that's either the same guy, or they're cousins, or they went to the same Creeper-Training School. I think the broken English is part of what scares me the most, and I'm not sure why.

"but the important u will reply to whom???"

Not you, sir. Not you. That's for sure.

Laura's Fantastic Friday. That was Sarcasm.

So my friend invited me to lunch today, along with two of his other friends. I was quite alright with this arrangement, because I like hanging out with my friend, and I was also very hungry. So the place agreed upon by the other three parties was the Mongolian Grill. It's kind of a... dirty-looking, not-great establishment, and the service is horrible (you never get refills on your drinks, and the waitresses are downright hostile), but that was where the three of them decided to go, so that was where I went.

Immediately upon entering the restaurant, I knew that this was a horrible mistake.

The place was packed.
Fun fact about Laura? I'm people-phobic. I hate people. I hate crowds. I have panic attacks in crowds. I've almost run out of the grocery store screaming just to get away from the crushing waves of people inside.

The four of us were escorted to a table, which I noticed was completely surrounded by other tables full of people. My friend and the other woman in the group started chatting about things I knew nothing about, as I'd never met this lady before, and the other guy began eating.

I was left alone with my thoughts.

And as I sat there thinking, trying to focus on my plate of lukewarm, partially-edible buffet food, I became increasingly aware of the fact that I was surrounded. Completely. There were people all around me. And they were all loud. Talking, laughing, chewing, smacking their gums.

I started to freak out. I thought about rushing out into the aisle and making another trip around the buffet to pretend I actually wanted to eat more, but there were people swarming it like flies to a carcass. I thought, maybe I could get away by heading to a bathroom, or outside-- but there were people there too.
And here's where I really panicked. I grew increasingly anxious. I was torn hopelessly between running out of the restaurant in tears, embarrassing myself, and trying to tough out the longest lunch of my life.

I tried to tough it out. And I know that at that point, I was just being neurotic, but this is how I felt in those moments.
Look, I know it's terribly drawn, but trust me, it was a lot more alarming in my head. Have you seen the music video for Soundgarden's 'Black Hole Sun?' You know, where all the people are terrifying and facially-distorted and grinning like lunatics?

That's the closest comparison I can make.

From there, all I remember is a vague blur that might have been my lunch companions talking, and me staring dully at my half-empty bowl of cold wonton soup, praying that it would all be over soon.

I remember half-slumping against a wall while we paid the bill. I remember emerging into the sun outside and gulping down air like I'd been drowning or something.

Dear Blog. My Friday has sucked so far.

Love, Laura.

From Heartbreak to Awesome-itude

My older sister broke her wrist this past week and had to have surgery to fix it, including the addition of a metal plate to her arm. I was concerned, naturally, but then I realized something today. Something that makes my blood boil.

My sister is now closer to being a robot than I am.
You might be thinking to yourself, "Laura, shut up about being a robot already. You've posted about it enough already. Write about something else."
You're probably right.

So yeah. Now that I got my jealousy out of the way, I'm gonna put the whole robot thing on the shelf. It may come back one day, but for now I will blog about other things.
My buddy got me to try this MMO called Aion. I've always stuck by World of Warcraft. I tried City of Heroes-- controls sucked. I tried Dungeons and Dragons online-- got too bored of it, and the art wasn't very good. So I was expecting to be mildly amused by this 'Aion' and then express that I preferred World of Warcraft.

This was me within the first three minutes of gameplay.


Reduced to a trembling, mangledy-handed, weeping, drooling, poorly-drawn MS Paint person.

Okay not really. But seriously, that game is BEAUTIFUL.


Yes. That's a screenshot. Not of my character though. All of a sudden, World of Warcraft started to look like poorly-drawn MS Paint people in my mind too. So I was blithely questing with my friend and I was having a blast, and before I knew it, we were level nine! So a couple quests later, and all of a sudden MY CHARACTER WAS SPROUTING WINGS AND I WAS FLYING.

HOLY CRAP YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW COOL THAT WAS.

And another thing that I like? Even the low-level armor and weapons look somewhat nice and interesting. It's not like World of Warcraft where you look like a complete and total scrub til at least level 70. Oh, and lets not forget the fact that the character customization is awesoooome.

So now I'm pretty much in love with Aion.

But in other news, I need sleep. So yeah. Bye, blog.

Well, I'm Not a Robot, But...

... On the positive side, since I started taking my blood pressure medicine about a week ago, I haven't had a migraine. Since I'd been getting them once or twice a week lately, this is a welcome change. I would say that I've changed my eating habits, but honestly, I wasn't ingesting that much salt or cholesterol to start with. My father's had blood pressure problems (and had to have bypass surgery awhile back), so I'm thinking I definitely had a genetic predisposition toward the issue. So I can't really help that.

I think what I probably need to work on the most is not stressing. I stress a lot. I stress about money, I stress about work, I stress about anything and everything. I stress about not stressing. And you can always tell when I'm excessively stressed because all the tension goes to my neck and my traps. I totally punked out on typing the plural of trapezius because I don't know if the plural form is trapezii, or trapeziuses. Either way it sounds kind of ridiculous. But when I get stressed and I get tense, my muscles feel like brick walls.

At any rate, I stress a lot. It's probably not great for me. And I'm trying to 'not stress' as much, but how do you DO that? I mean, seriously. Trying not to stress has only made me stress more because that's one more thing I'm worried about.

Anyway, I'm done talking about all that. Onward, to the more pressing issue. I AM STILL DECIDEDLY HUMAN.

This needs to change. Remember last post how I was all "I need to be a robot, guys!" and I posted a crappy MS Paint doodle of myself as a robot and it was totally awesome? That dream has not yet died.

I am accepting donations of scrap metal, schematics, pocket lint (but not belly button lint), 80s music, and decals. Because a robot should probably have decals. Right? Well whatever.

I need to be a Robot. Now.

So after a brief medical scare, it turns out I had pneumonia again. I'm getting really sick and tired of pneumonia, guys. I've had it more times than I can accurately count. And so, I have decided to pneumonia-proof my body for the future. Now, this is just a basic idea for possible improvements but I'm thinking that I could really get somewhere with this.


Clearly, this will make me pneumonia-proof and possibly more durable to other unfortunate occurrences, like falling, car wrecks, bombs, and other stuff. BUT WHY STOP THERE!?


Clearly, I need to be a robot. RIGHT NOW. That is almost too much awesome for me to even think about. I'll take any donations to the 'Help Laura Fulfill Her Dream' project. I'll even give back to the community by fighting crime and stuff. I MEAN FOR GOD'S SAKE I'D HAVE A MEGAMAN-STYLE BLASTER ARM AND A BEAM SABER.

I have to be a robot. This has become my quest in life. I'll be disease-proof, totally badass, and OMEGA MACK-DADDY AWESOME.