Since I Have No Shame

-- And since I told my friend Jessica (AKA Erindae) about this story, and she seemed to find it absolutely hilarious, I have decided to share it with the world.

This is a blog post about womanly issues. Periods and vaginas are going to be referenced. If you are disturbed by this, I don't think that you should read any further.

If you're still reading, thanks. I hope you get a good laugh out of this.

I went to Catholic school all my life, including Catholic grade school. Now, at my particular grade school, sex education started at around sixth grade and continued on through seventh and eighth grade as well. Now, take every assumption you have about sex ed and throw it out the window.

At my grade school, sex education involved nothing pertaining to inserting Tab A into Slot B. Sex education didn't even bother to explain to me where a baby exits the body from. Sex education didn't even tell me that my sexual organs were linked to where I peed from.

Sex education should have been titled 'Abstinence Training.' And you know what? That's fine. Children don't need to be having sex. They shouldn't be encouraged to do it. But they SHOULD be taught how it all works.

Because when I got my first period, I didn't know what was happening.

I went to the bathroom at home one night and was terrified to find blood. I thought I was dying. I'm not even kidding. I thought that I was bleeding internally from some kind of horrible mystery wound and that it wouldn't stop, and that I was probably going to die of blood loss in my sleep.

And so, I ran, crying and sobbing pathetically, to my mother, who proceeded to tell me that I was finally growing up and there was nothing wrong with me.

So the terror was averted, but still. That was a scary experience. Had sex education been taught to us properly-- had abstinence training been paired with the science involving male and female reproductive organs-- that whole ordeal could have been averted. I would have been like "Oh cool. I got my first period. Bitchin'. Hey Mom, please buy extra feminine care products next time you go shopping."

So yeah, then I went to high school. And health class was taught by a gym coach who was obligated to teach a course but clearly didn't give a shit about teaching.

Suffice to say, I didn't learn anything from him, either.

Well, except for the fact that once again, there was the very Catholic spin on the class where we were routinely told that we shouldn't have sex before we were married. I was totally on board with that. That was old news to me. I accepted that as part of my life and was at peace with it.

But, I thought. But. What if I got married and I still didn't know how to have sex? What if my potential husband received the same sort of education as I did and he didn't have a damn clue where he was supposed to put his penis and the two of us just kind of went to bed and laid there together and hoped that somehow that would count?

...I never said I understood how things like instinct and so on and so forth work. I was fifteen and terrified for my future. My mother wanted grandchildren and my older sister wasn't going to have them. The deed fell on me. I HAD to have sex if I ever got married.

It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I took Anatomy and Physiology, and finally learned that to make a baby, you have to put a penis in a vagina. I was seventeen before I finally knew anything beyond the fact that sex is for married couples and that part of being a woman means bleeding from where I peed once a month. Or sometimes more or less than that, because mine were really random.

So yeah. I don't know if Catholic schools are still teaching students in this manner, but if they are, they need to rethink that.

And that was the post about sex.

Double Shift

Last night I got a text message from one of my coworkers at the Target Starbucks. It said the following.

Hey so my car has been sitting in the parking lot
at work dead since yesterday so i came to jump it
tonight and there seems to be something more
wrong with it. So now i dont have a ride to work in
the morning and i need to try to find someone
to fix it tomorrow before dance so i really
really need someone to come in for me tomorrow
morning at Starbucks the shift is from 730 to 2.
Please let me know if you can

I've had car trouble myself before, as have most people. So, when I saw this message, I was sympathetic to Coworker's plight, but I was already scheduled to work from 2 PM to 9:30 PM, which was the closing shift for the Starbucks. I sent a message back to Coworker, politely informing her that I was closing and therefore would not be able to take her shift in the morning. I wished her luck.

I stayed up rather late last night playing video games. I went to bed at about 4 AM, thinking that I didn't have to be at work until 2 and thus I would have plenty of time to get an adequate amount of sleep.

I woke up to my cell phone ringing at 8:30 AM. Here is where I made my first mistake. Had I been properly awake, I would have checked the display, realized that it was Target calling, and then let them leave a voicemail so I could see what they wanted before I called them back.

God help my half-asleep self, I answered the phone. I probably sounded like a zombie.

The person calling was my supervisor for the Starbucks and Target Cafe, who was working on the sales floor that morning. Supervisor told me in her high-pitched voice, sounding horrendously close to an emotional breakdown, that Coworker had called in that morning and that she had called EVERYONE else who knew how to work at the Starbucks, and none of them were answering their phones or calling back, and would I come in early and work a double?

Supervisor's sob story made me feel bad. Although I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep, I made my second error and agreed to come in as soon as I'd gotten showered and dressed. I was too tired to even think to ask why Supervisor herself didn't just work in the Starbucks, instead of on the sales floor where there were probably plenty of other people scheduled.

I took my shower, got dressed, and ran out the door. I didn't even comb my hair-- I just mashed my hat down over my wet hair and ran for it. Breakfast? Didn't happen.

I made it to work by 9:30. Cafe-Girl was happy to see me because that meant she didn't have to try to work both sides and therefore run around like a moron all day. Supervisor came over and told me how happy she was. By then, I was slightly more aware and I mentioned that if they could get ahold of any of the other employees, I would be more than happy to let someone else come in whenever they wanted and close Starbucks for me so I wouldn't be working a double.

Supervisor just gave me a simpering smile and said that none of the other girls were answering their phones, and that they'd already tried calling everyone they could. Supervisor then walked away.

The first few hours of my shift were agonizingly slow. Time moved at a crawl and then seemed to stop altogether. I was tired and hungry. Cafe-Girl went to her break and while she was gone, another girl who works at the Starbucks came to Target to do some shopping. She saw me, waved, and we started talking.

I asked her if she wanted to close. She wasn't able to, but when I explained why I asked, she looked confused. "Nobody called me." she said.

Well, that was great. Had they called anyone? Probably not.

My shift continued. All of my customers were absolute assholes. People yelled at me, cussed at me, and generally treated me as if I wouldn't have been good enough to handle their shit. I tried my hardest to remain positive and polite throughout. Cafe-Girl's replacement came in at 3:30. Noone came to replace me.

The day grew steadily worse the later it got. Nighttime-Cafe-Girl went home. An older man yelled at me because his coffee was 'too thick.' Apparently it had the consistency of licorice, which was bullshit because I poured him another cup from the exact same pot and he said that it was 'tolerable.'

One of my other coworkers came in to do some shopping, and said hello. Guess what? Noone had called HER, either. Which means that Supervisor lied to me. You don't insist that you called -everyone- but just accidentally forget two people who aren't scheduled that day.

So now I'm exhausted, cranky, hungry, and generally not-thrilled. I'm too tired to even draw a picture.

Sorry.

Morning.

Okay, legitimate question time.

Why are some people so obsessed with waking up early?

I know what you're thinking-- "Laura, waking up early is important! You have to seize the day! Experience a full, solid day! If you sleep late, you lose so much time in the day!"

I emphatically call bullshit.

Now, my typical schedule involves waking up at around 11 AM, staying up until 2 or 3 AM, and then going to sleep. This schedule works fantastically for me, as I have no desire to wake up so early the sun has not yet risen and no businesses are open.

I have been feeling a bit under the weather (probably due to allergies) so I went to bed at around midnight. God help me, I woke up at 4 AM.

I looked outside.

It was like I had woken up in some bizarre, alien world, a parallel universe to my own. I was decidedly out of my comfort zone.

This is what I saw when I looked outside. Perfectly normal and acceptable, right? Wrong.

This is what my sleep-addled and confused brain interpreted the world outside as being. The fog concealed zombies, bleeding houses, and Lovecraftian tentacle monsters. Suddenly, the idea of being outside at 4 AM seemed like a terrible idea. Why the Hell would people risk their lives against the horrors that lurked in the morning fog just for the sake of going to a bakery or making a three-hour commute to work?

Now, another argument is that your day is 'longer' if you wake up early. Let's say you wake up at 6 AM and go to bed at 10 PM. That's sixteen hours of being awake and a healthy eight hours of sleep.

Now, what if I wake up at 11 AM and go to sleep at 3 AM? Guess what? That's also sixteen hours. My day lasts just as long as yours does, chump. It's not MY fault if you wake up at 11 AM and go to bed at 10 PM like you usually would.

"But Laura, what about daylight hours!? You can't argue with that."

Screw daylight. It's obnoxiously-bright and hot and completely overrated. Nighttime is infinitely better than daytime. And you know what? If you follow my sleep schedule, you can conduct any vital business just as easily (or even more easily) than you could if you woke up at 6 AM.

Let's invent a busy day where I'm off work, but have lots of errands to run and so on.

11:00 AM- Wakeup. Sun is out so you know it's daytime. None of this 'The sun isn't up, is it really morning?' crap. Take your time to get showered, dressed, and ready for the day! You've already missed the morning commute traffic, but if you leave the house at noon you'll end up hitting lunchtime traffic. Enjoy a leisurely meal. It's not too late to eat breakfast if you're craving pancakes, but you can just as easily have lunch too.

1:00 PM- Go to the bank. Guess what? All the banks I've seen don't stop processing same-day transactions until 2! Pat yourself on the back. You've skipped lunchtime traffic and you still made it to the bank with plenty of time to spare!

1:45 PM- Put gas in your car. You're making great time-- all the business-people are still at work! No lines at the gas pump for you!

2:00 PM- Let's say you need to buy some new clothes. Now is the perfect time to head to the mall, or wherever else you like to buy your apparel. School is still going, so you don't have to worry about the mall being infested with bratty teenagers. Take your time here! The schoolbuses will be rolling out to collect said bratty teenagers soon. However, even if the kids get off school at 2:45, it'll take them until at least 3 to get home. And even if they leave for the mall the second they get home, they'll still be caught in the after-school rush of traffic! So as long as you leave the mall or shopping center by 3:30, you won't have to deal with annoying teens.

3:30 PM-Take your purchases home. You'll hit a little traffic in this time-frame, but it shouldn't be anything too bad, especially compared to all the crap you missed.

4:30 PM- You know how you've been putting off calling your parents/other relative/friend? Do that now. Seriously, pick up the phone and talk with them, see how things are going.

5:00 PM-I dunno about you, but I'm getting hungry. Let's have lunch now.

6:00 PM- Oh, was that show you wanted to watch on? Well, alright. Watch some TV, play around on the computer, read my blog, whatever. You know. Have a couple hours of 'you time.'

8:00 PM- Look at the clock. You could totally go do your grocery shopping right now, but there's no harm in putting it off til later. As long as you aren't afraid of the crazy nighttime people at Wal-Mart, doing your grocery shopping later is a great idea. The shoppers there will be a little bit weird, sure, but you know what? There also won't be eight hundred thousand of them crowding down the aisles. For someone who is people-phobic like I am, this is a godsend. Decide to put off your shopping til a little later.

10:00 PM- Aaah, that's much better. Let's go to the store now. Enjoy not having to drive back and forth through the parking lot over and over and over again, looking for a space! Pat yourself on the back for having found an awesome parking spot. Do your grocery shopping in peace and solitude, without a crowd of people being in your personal bubble.

11:30 PM- Head home and put your groceries away. Once again, no traffic! Although, by now your tummy will be telling you it's dinner time. You can either eat at home, or stop at Taco Bell, McDonalds, Burger King, Arby's, or any other restaurant that's open late.

The rest of the night til you go to bed at 3 AM is yours to do with as you please. As you can see, my schedule is fantastic in that you can still get everything you need to get done, done, without having to deal with crowds of people. You also temper your errands and chores with more enjoyable activities. It's kind of like a rewards program.

Clearly, waking up early in the morning is absolutely unnecessary.

Hijinks on the River

So today my former roommate and I went to lunch and ran around like idiots after I got done with some errands. Maybe it was just the fact that I indulged in some hot sake, (which was SO DELISHUS), or maybe it was the fantastic weather, but we ended up at the Mississippi River and the accompanying flood wall. Now, my town isn't really known for anything interesting, so whoever is in charge decided that muraling the flood wall and selling the damned things as a tourist attraction point was a great idea.

It is not.

Now, my friend and I are wandering around by the flood wall, and we're struck by an idea.

That's my friend, 'climbing' the ladder and flipping off the mural-people.

Which led to this.You know I've been single for too long when I'm groping at the shapely buttocks of a paint-man.

Here's my favourite picture of my friend--


--I love this because he's all "DON'T WORRY GUY! I'LL STOP THIS CANNONBALL AND SAVE YOU!" And the guy is all "OHSHIIIIIIIIIIT CANNONBALL."

So yeah. That was my exciting afternoon.


So this is me now, drinkin' Smirnoffs and listening to Lady Gaga on YouTube. I will leave you with one thought, fair readers, and a shout out to my awesome World of Warcraft guild, the Defenders of Greyskull.

I HAVE THE POWERRRR!