Happy Halloween!

So this year for Halloween I was gonna be Jem from the TV show. It was gonna be fantastic. Outrageous, even. I was gonna be CUTE, something like the drawing that I have so kindly provided. And seriously, you should be amazed because I definitely drew that in less than five minutes, because I'm under a major time crunch and need to get to work soon.

Now, my Halloween plans were not spoiled because of work-- I'm gonna be out of there by 9 at the absolute latest.

No, my plans were foiled by wigs.

You see, the Halloween costume stores in town didn't provide wigs that were large enough in size and volume to look like Jem's fierce 80s hair. I looked for pink wigs, but I also looked for blonde wigs that I could just dye pink.

Nothing.

I was a little bit heartbroken. I'm not gonna lie. But not to be deterred, I went to the internet. Ebay had a few wigs that were appropriately big and 80s-licious, but they were 200+ dollar drag queen wigs and I don't make enough money with my crappy job at Target to afford to drop 200 bucks on a wig I was going to wear once, or maybe twice if I went as Jem a couple years in a row for Halloween.

So as today drew closer and closer, my hopes dwindled. And today is Halloween. No wig. I didn't even bother to try and sew my dress because I didn't feel like wasting the time on it if I didn't get to dress up. Tonight I suppose I'll be sitting in front of my computer, lamenting the fact that I could be out partying.

So, my readers, I beseech you. Party hard for me. Be outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

Headless Horseman.

This is a post about World of Warcraft. If you aren't interested in World of Warcraft... well, I can't say DON'T READ THIS because I honestly tried to make it funny, and not just in the realm of WoW humor. But yeah. If you're scowling right now at the fact that I decided to write about World of Warcraft-- I mean actually, scowling, mean-mugging and all that-- then yeah, you probably should sit this one out.

World of Warcraft does a lot of extra stuff to go with the various seasons in real life. I dunno if this is to remind 900-pound mouthbreathing neckbeards that there is still an actual outside world, or what. Either way, it makes for a nice diversion from the usual World of Warcraft activities.

Naturally, the current event, Hallow's End, is Halloween-oriented. You can visit inns and trick or treat, get candy, put on masks that look like other races, all sorts of good stuff. But Hallow's End has an antagonist.

I'm talking about the Headless Horseman. You see, the Headless Horseman is a pyromaniac. All he does is ride around on his magical flying horse and light towns on fire-- while players scramble to put them out. You get loot for doing this, which is nice, but there are a couple of problems with it. He seriously shows up like every five minutes. And he yells. In rhyme.

So you're minding your own business in a town, just chilling, and all of a sudden you hear this.

"Prepare yourselves, the bells have tolled! Shelter your weak, your young and your old! Each of you shall pay the final sum! Cry for mercy; the reckoning has come!"

This is followed by the most ridiculous, terrible laughter ever. EVER. It's kind of a.... "BAAAAWWWWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWWWW."

Other well-written (ha!) Horseman lines include:

• The sky is dark. The fire burns. You strive in vain as Fate's wheel turns.
• My flames have died, left not a spark! I shall send you now to the lifeless dark!
• So eager you are, for my blood to spill. Yet to vanquish me, 'tis my head you must kill!

So yeah, after you put out his fires, he comes riding down out of the sky and you get to kill him, but lo! You can't because that's not his head. So where's his head at? In a dungeon, of course.

So you and your friends form a bitchin' team to go into the dungeon and kick his ass, where he spouts off yet more awesome rhymes. You beat the snot out of him until his head flies off. You then have to kill the head of the Horseman. So you finally kill him, silencing him... until you next enter a town, or until the next day when you come back to the dungeon again.

And then you get loots! The most coveted loot that he drops is a special mount-- it's his horse! It's his FLYING HORSE. Dear lord, you people have no idea how much I want to ride around on a flying horse. My character would look something like this.



My mage would be all "HELLS YEAAAAH!" and would fly around in front of the moon and throw fire at people and--

And then I realized. The Headless Horseman was a pyromaniac. And when I thought about getting the horse for my character, the first thing that popped into my head was that.

Clearly, the Horse is what turns people into pyromaniacs. There's no other explanation. That animal is evil and ought to be taken out back and shot for driving its riders into a state of madness.

...That doesn't mean I'm not gonna keep trying to get the horse for myself.

*cough*

Truthfully, I've Always Been Evil.

Growing up, I hated school. I hated high school, as many kids do, but I also hated grade school with a passion. I enjoyed learning. I liked to read and study. But my mother had been very concerned with me growing up in a 'nurturing' learning environment where I would receive a good education. And, because my family was Roman Catholic, I was put through Catholic school from day one of kindergarten.

Now, the stereotype is that kids who go to private school are rich. I was not. My family was rather poor, and financial aid was the only reason I 'got' to go to Catholic school. Some of my classmates were obscenely rich, and there were only a handful of students who came from middle-income families.

Now, this coupled with the fact that I wore my older sister's hand-me-downs (which were in good enough shape, but clearly dated) and god-awful ugly sweatsuits my mother bought me from K-Mart...
(Except that mine were always like... royal purple and had teddy bears and shit on em) ...meant that everyone knew I was poor. I didn't even have a pair of jeans. Jeans were clothing that only the unspeakably rich and cool wore. Jeans were a status symbol. Now, my school instated uniforms within a couple years of my attending, but it was too late. The damage had been done.

I was poor and gangly and awkward and everyone knew it. I was by far the tallest kid in the class, easily a full head and shoulders taller than even the boys. I was also terrible at sports, and I wasn't involved in any kinds of clubs or Girl Scouts or anything else. And I was, essentially, a very young nerd. My mom had told me to always try my best and put forth 100% effort. I did that. I read books constantly. I sang louder than anyone else in music class. I swear I even PRAYED harder when we went to mass.

So in that respect, I shot myself in the foot. I was poor, awkward, and I was a geek on top of everything else. I was ridiculed constantly.

Constantly.

I was the first one in my class to have to have glasses-- I wore out my eyes playing Final Fantasy VII the year my family pooled together and bought me a Playstation for Christmas. So yeah. I was a video game and computer nerd, too.

But I've digressed. I was the first one in my class to get glasses, and that only gave the popular kids more ammunition to use in their daily rituals of tormenting me. I began to realize that even if I suddenly became rich and gorgeous, they would never like me. Nothing I could do would ever win them over and make them want to befriend me. So all the sadness turned into loathing. I despised my classmates. I had two-- maybe three friends. The rest of them, I probably would have thought about knifing in a back alley if I'd had a knife.

What? I was emotionally and mentally mature for a child. I was watching the Alien series by the time I was like seven. Blood and gore didn't disturb me, and I also took to listening to grunge music on my sister's radio anytime she wasn't around. I feel that I understood much more complex feelings than other children my age did. And at that time, I understood that I was very nearly alone in the world that I knew. It was a pretty miserable time for me. I was made fun of on a daily basis for being poor and wearing glasses and being different from the other kids. In hindsight, I should have told a teacher or someone that my childhood was a living hell, but I didn't. That would have been tattling. So I kept it all in.

When I was eight, I broke my leg. It's a fun story, but it's another story for another day. The accident, however, left me in a cast up to my hip for about six weeks. I was on crutches, of course. My parents had to move my bed down to the living room that winter because I couldn't make it up and down the stairs to my room. I had to have help getting to the bathroom. My mom took me to a local salon to have them wash my hair every couple of days because wrapping my cast in saran wrap and helping me stand up in the bathtub to take a shower was pretty much impossible. Long story short, it was just another chapter of Suck in the book that was my young life.

When I went back to school, the ridicule began afresh. And it was worse because I didn't even get to go out at recess. I had to stay inside and look out at them all while they played.

And it was there, in the classroom, that I began to concoct a plan for revenge. It had to be subtle and it had to look like an accident, because if I did anything overt, it would be obvious that I was responsible. And as I looked around the empty classroom, seeking some vessel for vengeance, I laid eyes on Male Classmate One's desk. I hated Male Classmate One. He was like the ringleader of the boys in ridiculing me, and all the little popular girls had stupid childish crushes on him. Male Classmate One was an asshole.

So I decided that I was going to make Male Classmate One look like a bitch.

Silently thanking my good fortune that all my teachers liked me and thought I was just some poor, kind, awkward nerd-child and thus didn't need supervision during recess, I grabbed my crutches and hopped my way over to Male Classmate One's desk. I took a moment to plan. And then it struck me.


I loosened all the bolts on Male Classmate One's chair. Every single one of them. It took a bit of work, but I got it-- luckily for me, all of the bolts on his chair were already loose enough that I could unscrew them. You see, Male Classmate One was one of those kids who would lean back in his chair all the time even though we were constantly told not to do that, because doing that damaged the structural integrity of the chair. Specifically, it put strain on the bolts, and over time, worked them loose.

I cautiously put a hand on the seat of the chair and tested it. It wobbled just slightly. Perfect. Satisfied, I hobbled on over to my desk and picked up my book and started to read.

Recess ended and my classmates came back inside. They all sat back down and class started again. I glanced subtly up from my textbooks every now and then. Yep, Male Classmate One was leaning back in his chair and trying to look cool. Time passed and I began to worry that I hadn't gotten the bolts loose enough.

And then, about a half-hour before lunch, with a loud crash, the legs detached from the seat of the chair and Male Classmate One, still sitting on the chair, hit the ground with a thud. It was too perfect. He literally went from sitting on the chair to sitting on the floor. He hadn't struck anything on his way down. And then, Male Classmate One began crying like a bitch.

Truthfully, I might have felt guilty if my actions had hurt him. But he was completely unharmed, saved for a bruised ego. And you know what? I never told Male Classmate One that I was responsible for it. I never plan on doing so. Score one for Laura. Revenge was sweet.

Work.

This was me at work tonight. Sad, but true. I officially hate my job. I hate working with bitchy females. I hate serving coffee to pretentious, rich assholes who think they have the right to talk down to me because I'm stuck making their drink.

And I hate people who show up five minutes before closing time.

Time literally CRAWLED by tonight. I thought that the clocks had broken at one point because it was seriously 7:39 for what felt like an hour and a half.

So when 8:55 rolled around, this was me.

Finally, it was almost time for me to be free from the soul-leeching essence of the Target Starbucks. I turned away for thirty seconds to start wiping down my countertops-- and then I saw this.



Alright, I thought to myself. One more customer wasn't so bad. It's obnoxious when they show up right before I'm about to close, but it's okay. I made them the yearned-for mocha latte and they went away. But then I saw this.


Okay. Fine, rude blonde woman. I'll make your drinks too. Stop pointing at me and waving your money in my face and I'll get right on that.

By the time I finished making THOSE drinks, it was 9:06. I looked around. The coast was clear. I ran for the lights and shut them off. As I came back, though, this is what I saw.

When I politely informed them that Starbucks had closed at 9, this is what I saw.




Some of them whined. Some of them protested. Some of them glared at me but stormed away. One woman tried to tell me she'd been waiting there since 8:55 and that she'd never been helped. I politely tried to assure her that I was the only worker, and that I had been at the counter at 8:55 and had even helped other customers who were there. So when trying to lie to me didn't work, she told me that she was going to call corporate and have me fired. I told her my name and wished her the best of luck. That seemed to confuse her. She asked if I had heard her correctly. I assured her I had. She left in a huff and I closed Starbucks without further incident.

I officially hate my job.

So, I Finally...

...got around to watching Silent Hill today. You've probably heard of the popular video game series, but you may or may not have heard of the movie. Well, I've always really enjoyed Silent Hill's and Resident Evil's gameplay, but I figured that the movie would be just terrible. Hence, why I'd never watched it before. When I saw that it was on SyFy, I figured, "Why not?" and turned it on.

But you know what? I was pleasantly surprised.

The movie stayed incredibly faithful to the games' standards.
The creepy fog that surrounds and obscures your various characters throughout the course of the games was back in the movie, which I loved right away. You never knew what was out there in the fog, and overall the town was so still and quiet that the creep factor was amplified right away.

Another thing I loved? All the monsters featured in the movie were taken directly from the games.
You can look at her cleavage, but she'll probably cut you. Oh wait, this was a screenshot from one of the games.

Now, the nurses are one of the most widely-recognized enemies in the games, and much of the movie elapsed without so much as a knife-wielding twitch.

And then, the heroine ran right into this.
And I said, plain as anything, "Oh shit."

The movie was, overall, filled with those 'Oh shit' moments.

Another awesome nod to the series?Cybil! Now, there were other character-nods from the games too, but Cybil's was by far the best. And I'd hate to fill this post with spoilers.



But here's where my problems come in. There are no characters that you can really identify with. Crazy sleepwalking child? Not so much. Crazy old cultist leader woman? Nope. Crazy old hobo woman? Not really. Crazyass mom who you're supposed to identify with but can't? Crazy scary Samara-looking girl? Crazy dirty cultist girl?

Are you noticing a trend here? That's one of my other problems with this film. Just about everyone is crazy. Now, there are varying levels of the crazy, ranging from kooky to batshit, but they're all lunatics in one way or another.

Also, the plot gets a little convoluted. It's nothing that you can't understand, but it kinda left me going "Huh...?"

All in all, it wasn't a bad film-- it was quite enjoyable, honestly! It was a fun story, and if you enjoyed the games, you will absolutely love the movie too.

One last note?

Pyramid Head. Can't go wrong with the fact that they featured good old Pyramid Head in the movie.

Bitch, Please

OH MY GOD. MY FRIEND JESSICA (ERINDAE) DREW ME THIS PICTURE IN MS PAINT AFTER SHE READ MY LAST BLOG POST AND YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXCITED I AM. Even the capitals do not adequately express how much I love the drawing she made me.

OH. MY. GOD.

This is fantastic, and it really captures how much I hate my coworker right now.


Erindae, I love you forever. Thank you so much for drawing me this.

Dear Coworker.

Two weeks ago, Coworker, you left a note on the whiteboard at work saying that you could no longer work Wednesdays. I was fine with this; if you couldn't close Wednesday nights, then I could just take those shifts and get more hours every week. I volunteered to work Wednesday, September 29th for you. You agreed, and I filled out the necessary information on the Swap Shift Board next to the timeclock.

I noticed when I came in on the 29th that you were also scheduled to work Wednesday, October 6th. I left a note in the communications log that basically said, "Hey, I see you're scheduled next Wednesday. If you want me to work for you, let me know."

Now, I also closed Thursday, September 30th. Thursday, September 30th, was my last day of work for nearly a week. You never called me. You never texted me. And because I wasn't scheduled to work, I didn't come in to check and see if you'd written me a note back in the notebook-- frankly, that would have been stupid, and a waste of gas.

So, I waited for nearly a week. I kept my phone on my person at all times. I checked it regularly to see if I'd missed a call or a message from you, Coworker. You never tried to get in touch with me. I could only assume that you either decided to work on Wednesday, October 6th, or you got someone else to cover that shift.

So, when I got a phone call on Wednesday, October 6th, at 3 PM, I was confused. The person who called me, Coworker, was asking me where I was. They asked me why I wasn't at work. They asked me if I planned on coming in. I had a migraine. I was confused, in pain, and tremendously worried. I explained as concisely as I could that while I had offered to take your shift, Coworker, I'd never heard back from you and thus had no idea that I was supposed to be working.

So the truth came out. Did you expect that it wouldn't? Coworker, you wrote me a note saying that yes, you wanted me to work for you that day. You also wrote on the Swap Shift Board that you wanted to get rid of the shift-- but since I didn't know that, I never signed it, saying I would work. You just assumed that I'd been there, knew about it, and signed off on it.

Guess what, Coworker. That's not how it works. Until you see someone's signature next to that shift and you know that it's been changed in the computer, that shift is still your responsibility.

I closed tonight, Thursday, October 7th. Upon reviewing the communications log, I found the nasty little note you wrote me in your obnoxiously-giant handwriting. Your note said something to the effect of, "You could have at least let me know you didn't still want the shift, I assumed you did. Next time just tell me so I know, this really messed my personal schedule up, blah blah blah."

Really, Coworker?

You're still trying to throw me under the bus?

So, Coworker, I wrote a note of my own. And I freely admit, it was eloquent and snide and frankly, I talked to you as if you were stupid in it-- because you are. I explained to you that your shift was still your responsibility until someone signed that they would take it. I explained that writing me a note that I never saw didn't do a lot of good. I explained that I had my phone on me-- that you could have called or texted me anytime.

I hope that tomorrow, when you read it, you realize what a moron you are. I also hope that someone tells you off because you were lazy and left the entire pallet of the truck shipment out in the middle of the Starbucks, in everyone's way, because you didn't feel like doing manual labor and putting it all away. I put it all away tonight, even though the person who was supposed to close the Target Cafe called in and I had to close both sides down by myself. But you don't care, do you? You're a selfish, impossibly stupid female and all you do during your shifts is sit back in the back and text people.

You tried to throw me under the bus yesterday, Coworker. You tried to get me in trouble to save your own ass-- and in so doing, you attempted to screw with my job, my income, and therefore my livelihood.

I'm not going take that laying down.

I already spoke to my manager about the events when I worked today. I will have you know I explained in nothing but the truth, and I pointed out the notes I left, as well as my schedule. My manager agrees-- I am not to blame in this situation.

So, through hasty defense of my job, I kept my ass out of the fryer. But you know what, Coworker? I've had enough. You've always been a mouthy little disrespectful bitch to me. In fact, it's common knowledge that you don't like me. I've had other people ask me why I left you talk to me the way you do. And all of the other workers, save for my manager, know that you're lazy and utterly useless.

I think, Coworker, that it's high time I put a stop to it. When I come in on Saturday, if I see you in the back, sitting on the stepladder and texting people when you're supposed to be working, I'm going to take a picture of it. I'm going to collect evidence that you're a lazy piece of shit, and I'm going to show show it to the manager. What the manager decides to do from there is up to her. But frankly, I hope she fires you. You're a liar, you're lazy, and you constantly call in sick because you're hung over from partying like the boozing little slut you are.

Coworker, I've had enough of your shit. I've worked at a movie theater, at Wal-Mart, Panera Bread, a bakery, Steak-n-Shake, and a few other places. I have worked with some lazy people. But you, Coworker, take the cake. You are the single most worthless piece of trash I have ever had the displeasure of working with, and I'm going to do everything in my power to put a stop to it.

This means war.

Laura's Guide to Woman-Wrangling

I figured since I wrote a blog post that was pretty much female exclusive recently, I should write a blog for the menfolk. And so here it is. A blog post written by a woman, about women, for men. And lesbians, although they're more likely to already know this sort of thing.

Women Like...

• Affirmation

No matter what your girlfriend/fiancee/wife is like-- no matter now confident and self-assured she is-- she needs to feel reassured. If she's dressed up to see you, tell her she looks good. Women like hearing that their partners find them attractive. Doesn't it give you an ego boost if she tells you that she thinks you're handsome? There's some basic logic for you.

• Listening

Sure, we nag. Sure, it gets annoying. But honestly, ignoring us only makes it so much worse. And as long as you aren't dating a psychobitch, you know what? We're usually nagging for a reason-- like you got urine on the toilet seat when you were drunk, or you (surprise surprise) have been ignoring us. So basically, if you're with a girl who has a good head on her shoulders, if you hear her out, she won't have a reason to bitch at you.

• Attention

For the love of God, look at me when I talk to you. Have you heard that phrase before? Well, put down the XBox controller. Tell your World of Warcraft guild that you'll be right back. Tell your guy friends that you'll be over to watch the game soon. Now, only paying half-attention to your partner is something women are guilty of too. Sometimes, bitches are glued to their cell phones. So if she's griping that you aren't listening to her, you can potentially turn it around (but do so as nicely and sincerely as possible) and ask her to listen to you when you want to talk. PROTIP: Don't say she has your attention and then try to lean past her to look at the TV or whatever you were doing. It's not subtle. You will get caught. And she will be even more pissed off at you.

• Responsiveness

If she calls you, it's best to answer the phone. If she leaves you a voicemail, listen to it and respond. Even if you're passing on going to see Chick Flick Whatever with her because you already made plans with the guys, she may not be thrilled about it, but you know what? It'll be worse if you leave her hanging and she misses the movie because she was waiting to see if you would call her back. Honestly, it kind of hurts our feelings if we try to get ahold of you, and you don't respond until two or three days later because of Half-Assed Excuse Number Nine. That leads me to the final point I'm going to make.

• Trustworthiness

If your woman calls you and you don't respond for days on end, what is she going to think? She's either going to start to wonder if you don't care about her anymore, or worse-- that you're cheating on her. Even if you're just sick or tired from work, it's better to let her know that so she won't be wondering WHY you aren't talking to her. Once again, women need reassurance. In the words of Billy Joel, "Tell her About It."

So, to summarize all this up, if you're mad at your woman and she's mad at you, look at your own actions and try to piece together why she's upset-- and ask her to do the same for you. Keep the lines of communication open. A lot of relationships end terribly because people won't talk to each other. Honesty is the best policy!

Wow, that was a lot more sincere and a lot less funny than I'd planned on it being. What's wrong with me?! The next post will have more funny. I promise.

It's October!

And that's what I titled my post as because I have NO IDEA where I'm going with this blog post, and that seemed as good a place to start as any. It's kind of like going for a drive except there's a crazy lady behind the wheel and she's taking random turns wherever she likes, and you'd BETTER NOT TOUCH THAT RADIO because "Come on Eileen" is playing and she loves that song and you'd better TOO RAH LOO RAH TOO RAH LOO RYE-AYE with her if you know what's good for you.

That was an extensive analogy. I'm kinda proud of myself for that one.

I need something to write about. I know, I'll compare my goals for the previous month as compared to what actually happened. Something tells me this is gonna be pitiful, but I'm gonna move forward with it anyway.

• Learn Yoga

I don't know why, but I've been wanting to start doing yoga for awhile. So, I resolved to start. This was thwarted, however, as all the YouTube videos that I watched to try and learn yoga-ing from were very... surreal in their language. Everything was so quietly dramatic, and the wind came and swept my chakra into the sea and there it was nestled gently by Mother Nature's soothing lullabies... Or at least, that's what the yoga people professed. Maybe yoga isn't the right thing for me, if I have to take that kind of talk seriously.

Final Rating: FAILURE.

• Diet

Like many women, I struggle with my weight. I figured now was as good a time as any to start dieting. Problem is, I can't find any diets I like. Scratch that. I'd do WeightWatchers, but I'm too poor to pay to go to meetings. So I just changed my diet a bit. I'm taking baby steps at first. First of all, I'm cutting down on (and hopefully cutting out, eventually) soda. I don't think I can give up tea and coffee. But instead of drinking soda now, I'm drinking water by the... well, I'm drinking a lot of water. AND, instead of scrambling or frying eggs, I've learned to poach them. I'm a rock star. But now I have to pee a lot more often cause of all the extra water I'm drinking.

Final Rating: SUCCESS, KIND OF.

• Learning to Poach Eggs

You know how I mentioned I learned to poach eggs? I am AWESOME. Seriously, Chef Gordon Ramsay would be all "THESE BLEEPING EGGS ARE COOKED BEAUTIFULLY." and then I'd be all "Oh thank you Chef Ramsay, you're so hot" and he'd be like "BLEEP OFF YOU DONKEY I'M MARRIED."

Final Rating: Damn Tasty

• Listening to Even More Music

Pretty much anytime I'm not at work now, I'm listening to music. Pandora is helping me to expand my musical horizons even more. Though I still yearn for good old 80s music sometimes. Hell, I'm listening to the Karate Kid soundtrack right now.

Final Rating: You're the best around! NOTHIN'S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN!

• Blogging More Frequently

I'm not gonna lie. I've failed utterly in this aspect. But with a new month comes a renewed effort. My new goal will be to post at least twice a week.

Final Rating: I'm so disappointed with myself. Please don't hate me.